“I rarely initiate conversation, I only do so when I feel it’s important or necessary. I just find conversation very mundane & tedious(especially texting). If I try forcing myself to converse I end up saying really weird things. Talking is hard when you feel like nothing you say is relevant …”—
I decided to get in serious shape, become more confident and outspoken, leaving my old life of insecurities and self loathing behind. I’ve since then been told I’m much more attractive and noticeable, and have even been told this by some of the girls who made fun of me back in high school.Now normally this would be considered a victory for most people, but all it did was make me realize something, and that was most people are attracted to superficial things, qualities that reflect themselves, or that which they wish to be found within themselves. While there are exceptions, most human beings are selfish by their basest nature, and feelings are fleeting and situational based on who you met, not some destiny love as shown in some Disney movie. All people go to find another person to satisfy the loneliness that eats away at them on a daily basis, they tell them they love them and cherish them, but when it doesn’t work out, what happens? They move on to someone else, and those previous feelings diminish. They soon tell someone else they love them, and the cycle continues, it holds no true value. As human beings, we HAVE to move on, we are SELFISH by nature, and it’s because of this nature that I do not have a high opinion of relationships. Let’s not forget abusive relationships, casual sex relationships, divorces, so many of us are just violent, impulsive creatures.Now most people will say, “We’re not all like that.” Of COURSE we’re not all like that, and that is the kind of partner I look for in my life. Except there’s another problem, and that’s where it really starts to get complex. As a secondary result of my observations and withholding, I’ve developed an EXTREMELY high moral standard for myself, and other people. I have a strong aversion to selfish-laden activities, the people who perpetuate abusive relationships, casual sex, and objectifying of the other gender. So much so it’s become something of a neurotic compulsion. The result? I’m an extremely unselfish person, that borders on unhealthy habits, who also has a very narrow and unchanging mindset who thinks the whole world should be the same (NOT so good of a habit too). As a side effect I’ve been popular with women, but only chose to keep it as casual dates and hangouts, all of which I keep at arms length. Both polite and courteous, but assertive and unchanging, unflinching, because of my complexities.
I get ignored, interrupted, mocked & looked at as if me saying “Hi” was harassment. This is how a lot of my social interactions play out and its made me jaded towards social norms. I don’t feel like saying shit anyone. With some people, its like they need someone to look at them while they talk and don’t respond to anything you say, only waiting for their turn to talk. Conversations feel one sided. I’ve made a real habit out of being quiet. Often i feel like i have nothing worth saying and will avoid talking unless i have too. Oddly enough, people seem to judge more for that. In a room full of people bouncing ideas and experiences of each other somehow I’ll still be the elephant in the room. People tend to get real uneasy around me once they’ve recognized me as the quiet guy. The patterns are all too familiar. They’ll try to force small talk after trying to avoid you, looking everywhere but at you. Even the average social butterfly who think they can be friends with everyone get nervous around me after awhile, If they talk ever talk to me that is. Its funny, no one’s got shit to say to me until i say or do something wrong, but will damn sure talk about me when they think im far enough. Im never too surprised by what i hear. Most of my time is spent alone now. Its the only time my mind is at ease. I see no point in trying to build friendships with people who are afraid of me when I try to talk to them but treat like im stuck up when If im not talking about nothing every two minutes.